Look, I know that parenting is a tough job and that I
know nothing on the subject, but the other day I was talking with my friend
Justin on the roof of our apartment and our conversation got me thinking about
some movies I got away with watching as a kid. The conversation went something
like this:
Justin: What’s it like
inside the bikers’ club?
Me: Meh. Kind of
cramped. I don’t know. I only stepped inside for a second.
Justin: You didn’t,
like, hang out with them?
Me: Uh, no. I’ve seen
The Accused. I know how that ends.
*end scene*
No, I did not see The Accused as a small child (my parents
aren’t monsters, guys). Most of the dramas I got to watch with
intense scenes like that as a teenager were probably so that my parents could
infuse fear into my sister and I to make sure we would never, oh, I don’t know,
WALK INTO A BIKERS’ CLUB ALONE. But
I digress…
Here is the list of movies I got to watch as a kid (7-13)
that would never fly in 2013:
Dirty Dancing:
I missed so many things when I watched this movie the first
200 times (which is true for every movie on this list), but I have real issues
with Baby and Johnny’s relationship.
1.) She
hooked up with 1986 Patrick Swayze, who wore a black t-shirt and mastered the
art of beckoning her to the dance floor with the “come hither” motion. This is
unfair and absurd. Mostly just unfair. I didn’t realize how unfair until
adulthood.
2.) They
hook up all the time. They were like rabbits. She was supposed to be practicing
her fox trot and NOBODY noticed her absence? How is this possible? My parents
always knew where I was (especially since I feared breaking rules until early
in my 20s) all the time. My father mastered the art of “finding me” well into
the 2000s, and I paid my own taxes.
3.) Patrick
Swayze's character was basically a womanizer/gigolo… who slept with older women and then
felt really victimized by it. That’s weird.
4.) There’s
an abortion. That happened? When? They were practicing the mambo.
5.) Apparently
the dancing is a metaphor for sex. Just kidding. I always knew that. I have
eyes, people.
Willow:
There’s a two-headed dragon (that makes zero contribution to
the plot); thanks a heap, Ron Howard. There are small people that use magic.
Val Kilmner is a con artist. But all of these things could be overlooked, if it
weren’t for that witch.
I watched Willow when I was in college with my roommates and
guess what: that lady is still terrifying. The movie is campy as hell, but the
witch is super batshit crazy.* There are also these crazy, horny little pixie
people that confuse me…and at one point one falls in love with a cat. I dunno.
The 80s were weird.
*To this day, if
someone says the name “Wiiilloooowww” like the sorceress/goat, I die laughing.
Uncontrollably.
Grease:
I had to break it to my friend Jenny one summer that “Greased
Lightning” is like, chalk full of sexual references. When she didn’t believe
me, I pulled up the lyrics.
I’m still not sure if she forgave me for that.
Grease is the movie that I first learned what a condom was…
mainly because there’s a pregnancy scare in the movie. But generally speaking,
I think that my overall understanding of the movie came way later. And really,
thanks to Grease, I can do a kickass karaoke version of “Hopelessly Devoted to
You” that will Bring. Down. The house. If we ever karaoke together, you will be
so, so grateful.
Crybaby:
John Waters, you master of dark comedy. Between this and the
original Hairspray, I gained an early exposure to drag and a strong propensity
for bad boys.
Look, I made good grades and I was squeaky clean most of my
childhood. The chances of me ending up on the back of a motorcycle were pretty
slim. First, my dad made me wear a helmet when I rode my bike in the
neighborhood until I finally convinced him that I was the master of my own
destiny (or I threw it in a dumpster outside the Stop and Go at the front of
our neighborhood), so he really laid it on thick about motorcycles. And
secondly, bad boys didn’t drive motorcycles at my high school. They drove
trucks or Honda Civics.
Something about being taken away from the sock hop in a
Civic just didn’t seem as sexy to me. Also, people at my high school dances
were usually smashed on Boones Farm, so the “bad boys” were probably on black
tar heroin. Or bath salts. Or whatever. I don’t really know.
I miss Boones Farm. Whatever happened to it? Do they still
make it?
Next movie.
Pretty Woman:
I wanted those boots.
I think I still could rock them without falling into a
prostitution ring. I knew the ENTIRE soundtrack to this movie. My aunt had the
tape (and a tape deck, because she was my cool, single aunt), and my sister
(who is four years younger than me) and I would come home singing all about
“wild women who don’t regret it”. Don’t regret what? I had no idea. I just knew
all the words.
I actually learned some very positive things from this
movie:
1.) Don’t
beat down hos at a store when they are mean to you. Even if they suck as badly
as those chicks did.
2.) You
should always try and help people who are lost because SURPRISE! They could be
a millionaire with salt and pepper hair who doesn’t have any judgment at all
about your prostitute tendencies or body count and wants to give you an
apartment and a never-ending shopping spree. So, yes, always help strangers.
3.) Make
friends with your concierge. They know all the best people in town and will
help you find the fancy forks and a cocktail dress. But in my version, I never
wear a choker, because that’s tacky.
4.) Look
like a lady, but act like … well, you get it.
5.) Still
don’t beat the hos at the store, even after you get a new wardrobe and look
fabulous.
So, this is what I learned from the movies I saw as a child.
I know that most kids watched really wholesome television, or no television at
all, and that’s cool. I still maintain that a clean arrest record, no harm to
humanity, and a generally pleasant disposition prove that I’m probably no worse
for the wear.
Also, it made me a badass kid.
